In many Western societies, the notion of unconditional self-love is not deeply ingrained. Instead, love and acceptance are often conditional, tied to fulfilling certain obligations or conforming to societal norms. This conditional approach to self-love extends its influence to our relationships with others. If our love for ourselves is contingent upon meeting certain standards, we are likely to impose similar conditions on our love and acceptance of others. In this context, authentic relationships—those that truly reflect who we are—become challenging to maintain. In my personal journey, I found myself recoiling from the true reflection of myself that emerged in my relationships, whether they were romantic or platonic. This aversion led me to opt for companionship, a less demanding and more superficial form of interaction, over deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Dr. Shante Holley, a noted expert in the field, provides a clear delineation between companionship and relationships. According to Dr. Holley, A companionship is a plus one, a good time, a few laughs, somebody to fill the time, “let’s spend some time together, let’s meet up and have some drinks”… it’s very low stakes and there is no emotional commitment. Companionship is embedded in a relationship, but a relationship is not necessarily embedded in companionship. A relationship requires someone to be emotionally available. It requires fidelity, vulnerability, accountability, honesty, integrity, truthful communication, and an investment of self. A relationship is very high stakes and this is an emotional investment being made.
Confronted with the need to accept myself and others as we truly are, I found myself gravitating towards companionship to fill the voids in my life. This choice allowed me to avoid dealing with the deeper issues of trauma, pain, and struggle that I was not ready to face. Something western culture does not realize is that most of our perceived relationships are companionships.. It's common to feel misunderstood or even betrayed when friends or significant others highlight our flaws, leading to conflicts and estrangements. Personally, I found it easier to connect with children and animals, as they didn't challenge my defenses or force me to confront my issues.
The questions I'm posing to you today are challenging, and it might be uncomfortable, but they are questions I had to confront in my own life to let go and find peace. Questions like, Could I be the problem? Is the reason I have not found lasting love because of me? Am I not ready to love someone completely because even though I say I love myself, there are sides of me I am not ready to come to terms with? Am I projecting gaslighting on my friends? I believe you should always protect yourself from others hurting you, but maybe your relationships haven’t worked because you are only ready for companionship. Only you hold the keys to the answer. Protecting oneself from hurt is natural, but it's possible that my relationships have faltered because I was only ready for companionship, not a committed relationship.
I invite you to introspect and question the nature of your relationships. Are they mere companionships, or do they represent something deeper? The journey towards understanding these dynamics is not just about others; it's fundamentally about you. It's about confronting your fears, acknowledging your flaws, and embracing the possibility of transformation. By unlocking the door to self-awareness and emotional maturity, you pave the way for more authentic and fulfilling relationships. The key to this transformation lies within you. Are you ready to awaken from the nightmare of unfulfilled connections to live the life of your dreams?
